It use to be a positive thing
At the end of the movie on that dark warm night in the parking lot, my friends and I were returning to our cars. This group were a lot of my college fraternity buddies who were now in our 30s and 40s and our Movie Night Organizer Ron made it a point to get us all together about every 6-8 weeks to give our wives a break. The night would always start at Turonis, a well established pizza and brew pub where we would tell lies or at least stretch the truth, of days gone by. We voted on the movie we were going to watch based on the 2 or 3 that Ron had picked out. Regardless of the vote, it was Ron’s decision usually of what we were going to watch, because , well, it was his creation and organization and he was in charge. Rule 1. , it couldn’t be a chick flick, 2 it had to be filled with testosterone and lots of bullets, and 3. if the ladies were hot, that was always a plus. We were manly men who felt an attractive lady was always a bonus . Just ask James Bond.
But as men, some of us did not have to see anything gratuitous. ( read,, They never sent us to get the movie again). PG 13 or R was all we felt we needed. But boy, there had to be the kind of fights that would all make us feel a little like Arnold S, Rocky, 007,
Bruce, Chuck…You get the point. If real men can not go out and kick ass like the good old days, or UFC then we can at least watch and fantasize. Not all of us were wrestlers, who got to play on the mat as a kid.
So as we are all saying goodbye to each other I followed Ron to his car parked near mine. As I began telling him a story and admitting I was feeling bothered by something, I inadvertently and unconsciously leaned up against another vehicle parked next to his. Not even thinking what I was doing, and more engaged in my mental predicament. I began expressing my frustrations when I noticed a younger couple heading our way. Within a few Seconds they were now right next to us and it was apparent it was their car I was leaning against. And at that moment I realized that this was not right of me and as I stood up, I began to say I was sorry. But immediately I was scorned for what I had done. Both of them started in on me on how inappropriate it was for me to be leaning against their car and she even recognized that where my butt was located that it was going to have to be dusted off. ( A butt print you may say) I was caught red handed and red faced as I continued to apologize and that I obviously was not thinking about what I had done.
And as sincerely as I could I said “guys I am so sorry for leaning against your vehicle, and I apologize and just hope you can forgive me,,.. I’m having a rough day and was not thinking!”’ Ron was now looking at me like, that was pretty good, but I’m not sure it was going to help.
Immediately The girl continues to complain and tells me that I’m basically an idiot or worse and the more she yelled the more I realized that my apology had fallen on deaf and condemning ears. I noticed the man was becoming a bit more settled as Ron was now lowering his head with a smirk as slowly moved farther away as I was becoming apparent that this unfortunate moment was not a quickie.
A long term memory, quickly flashed in my mind, of a time when I was a small child with my family coming back from a Festival years ago. A similar situation of a man in his early 20s was leaning up against our station wagon smoking a cigarette, with his group of buddies. And as my dad approached the driver’s door the guy just got up from his position and moved so my father could open his door. This was in the 60’s and I do remember my father saying something to him like don’t you have your own car to lean against, at which his reply was, “I’m sorry, you are right”. Dude or sir (this was the 60’s) That was the end of the discussion and as we drove off my dad muttered something like” dumb hippie”, because his hair was much longer then my sisters, and the bell bottoms and heavy beard did play the… Hippie part.
But I was immediately brought back to reality, as this woman wanted to continue to berate me and even mentioned that she should make me pay to have the car washed or something. They were a number of years younger than us, so I considered this, but it was at this point that my whole demeanor began to change. Yes, a mistake was made, and yes I had now apologized profusely , but now her words were turning from a simple drink to a real winey wine. She was starting to get on my new last nerve and I suddenly felt myself straightening out my body and beginning to flex my stature, as my face became a bit more stern.
I’m not saying I was Schwarreneger or even Bruce Lee, But even my friend noticed that I was now finished with apologizing and my physical stance was becoming more positive. I glanced now back to the boyfriend who also had noticed that my sincere apology demeanor was becoming just a little meaner and his face said it all. As I stared at him now, still hearing the onslaught of female screeching. He suddenly told his girlfriend, “Ok I think He gets it, I think we better go.”,as she looks at him like she had just been rudely interrupted. He tells her in an obvious body language that enough was enough and that they had better leave.
Interestingly, she never caught on. She saw a person who was sorry and weak, and he as a true male saw someone who was sorry but had had enough, and the dusty butt mark could become more damaging. As she gets into the car she begins to look bewildered as to why he is taking off so fast, and I’m not sure if my face showed a smirk or a sense of frustration.
The power and History of a sincere apology.
I used to hear them all the time and sometimes today I hear people say they are sorry when they have done absolutely nothing wrong, but they internalize that even though it’s not their fault they will say I’m sorry 50 times a day. But this is not what we are looking at.. My frustration is that we have become a society that when one has clearly been at fault and a sincere Apology is warranted, in the past, that apology would be very valuable and life could continue without skipping a beat. Instead the last thing you will hear is “I’m sorry I made a mistake.
Blame the lawyers , or the politicians, or maybe parents who did not teach their kids the importance of admitting when they are wrong. And after they admit it, I say, Graciously accept their forgiveness and go on as an imperfect human being, in this wonderful world we call Life. Oh and try not to do that again.
It was sometime in the 80s when I began hearing insurance agents telling their customers not to admit fault if you get in a wreck, let the police determine who is at fault so that you can maybe save some money, even if it is obviously your fault do not admit it. “ What , why would I not admit I was at fault?” (follow the Money stupid ) FTMS
You hear attorneys demand that you as a client should not apologize because that would prove you are guilty, and if you get sued then you have proved that you are at fault and then it may cost you a lot….FTMS. Then as you began to follow more and more of the political zoo, you started to realize that to get a full fledged Apology was as rare as the dodo bird talking with a wallaby. You do not apologize for saying or doing something that may hurt the party , if you sincerely say you are sorry and that you were wrong. Well then we can not be responsible for what happens next. ( But in scouting, our laws are. I should be Trustworthy loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave , clean and reverent… Ok I’m a slophonous but maybe clean minded).
So phone calls were now being made in the dead of night warning people not to apologize because it could have a negative effect on so many things and so many people. But, so Mom and Dad, If the President of the United States will not apologize for his dog biting all the secret service people, why do I have to say I’m sorry for hitting my little sister. She actually deserved it.
Now the big story became even though 98% of the world knows they did something wrong, they get a pass, Don’t apologize because my Mother, lawyer, insurance man, landscaper, and PR boss said not to. Maybe the stress will pass, or better yet someone else like the Vice president will do something much more stupid ( like she actually bit the dog back) and they will totally forget about me.
Remember the slap heard around the world at the academy awards, things were said, a man got pissed, a slap was delivered and the earth watched and waited to see who would speak first. Is this a two sides to every story moment? Was Will going to realize it was not done in a dark alley, but instead in front of 50 million people? Was Chris going to try to sue before the janitors were even done sweeping up the floors that night? He was pretty cool about the whole thing.( by the way I played a janitor once, and also got slapped… My wife did not think I was vacuuming the floor correctly and she slapped my butt. I knew I should have been wearing pants that morning.)
So the art of a sincere apology has changed so much that instead of it just costing a beer or a handshake or even just a simple hug while whispering an “I’m Sorry” it won’t happen again”. It has now escalated into a committee of many pondering all the possibilities of what could happen and 3 weeks and $90k or $ 900K later the news conference will speak to millions as the attorneys are talking in the back room.
Do I blame a lot of out of work attorneys looking for a little dead meat on the side of the road who have nothing better to do? Maybe. Do they then look at the calculator app that says for each public insult (X) times the number of those who heard it (times) the number of F words X the % of what was awarded last time in Florida. EQUALS ah, oh, try to get 2 million., Do I blame the insurance guys who did not want their incompetent driver who was drunk but was smart enough after running into the tree and realized if he waits for the cops he will get a DUI and his insurance will go up, AND the landscaper will have to plant a new tree, and he can walk home and say that he was chased by a rabid dog. The same one the VP bit back. Lol thus he could not wait for help. Maybe. Or can we instead say that the mentality of our country has come to the point that in most cases, If I can sincerely apologies for doing something wrong it just may surprise the person so much, they end up giving me a hug, buy me a free meal and, even give me a referral
To a nicer insurance company
SORRY I AGAIN DIGRESS..
The beauty and importance of a sincere apology is that it must be sincere, and sincerity has become a rare missing link to why as humans who make mistakes. And if we admit we are human, people just may forgive us. AS long as we are not apologizing every other day on a national network.
WHAT IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE APOLOGY?.
But here is the other caveat to this potential changing of the guard. If we are about to become a new nation where we remember a better place, a better people , and a better understanding of each other. Along with the sincere apology, comes the importance of accepting the “ I’m Sorry”, acknowledging I too am an idiot at times, and moving on to supporting each other and coming to quicker solutions of the mess we have gotten ourselves into. Easier said than done right.
Going back to the slap..
Will’s frustration at that moment was manifested in his wishing to protect his wife’s character. And yes there were other ways for that to happen. And although he did not apologize that night to Chris, in his acceptance speech to the Academy, He did issue a personal apology to him the next day.
How many of us out there would have forgiven him? How long and what would Mr Smith need to continue to do to deserve that acceptance? ( Remember how after being shot our beloved Pope John Paul the 2nd in May of 1981. accepted and forgave his shooter.) Was this slap even more Painful? Even though Will Smith is not the pope, to many he is even more important so all eyes are on him. Has Chris accepted his apology, as of this writing NOT SURE, but he has been able to use the incident to make others laugh during his performances. Time will tell
If you say you are sorry and you really mean it , then let’s have 1 and 1 become 2 and move forward. Your acceptance of my apology is your realizing it’s tough to say i’m sorry and yet you did. And since no one died, nothing got damaged except a few feelings, and I’m sure we could have done the same. Then maybe it’s time to close this door, open another one and see the sun that is brightening up our day. AMEN BROTHER.. But again not all of us have the courage or compassion to be a pope John Paul, and yes there are some cases where an apology should not be forgiven if sincerity is lacking. But have you noticed through time that when apologies are rendered it seems the world rotates a little smoother, one small “YOUR FORGIVEN “ at a time.
Thus in my opinion accepting someone’s apology is a wonderful gift you can give to those who made a bad mistake, but now they are forgiven. You have helped heal them.
We could end this here.
A self deprecating moment. With a little laughter and pizza.
A while back, I was having a fun night with some friends at a local nightclub I was at a few months earlier for a class reunion. We were enjoying a new drink, I have never had, that was a bit stronger than I was used to. Knowing most of the people I was told that a group from my hospital where I was employed, was up stairs having a party. So about 3 or 4 of us went there so I could introduce them to some of my coworkers. As I circled the room I began talking, telling jokes, and listening to a birthday girl tell us what she liked about Deaconess Midtown. One group of about 5-6 mostly women were really enjoying themselves . This was a surgical center group, in one of our buildings where as an engineering and maintenance employee, we would sometimes help them out when they had a maintenance problem. So As they realized who I was, it was nice to see them away from work having fun. As we decide to go back down to our original party I asked a couple of the ladies laughingly, “Since we work so hard, keeping you guys running do you mind if I take some food with us”(It was a large buffet style of pizza, meatballs, and other appetizers)as we go. “Sure she said, again raising her glass to me as I finished my final of 3 quick jokes. (see three quickies )+ So as my friend held my drink I started filling a plate with some pizza and one with some other appetizers.
Just heading towards the door, I was stopped by a woman I had seen before at the hospital, as she asked who I was and why I was taking the food. Her face was not a smiling one. I told her with a smile Hi , I’m John Schroeder. I am with Deaconess in this department, and I had gotten permission blah blah blah. She didn’t look convinced, so I said come with me as I took her to the table with the group of women we were joking with. Karen(not real name) now walked with me with a couple other gentlemen as I stood at the table of the other people and I repeated my story, still feeling in a laughing mood but knew she wasn’t . As I again told her that since we had often fixed their issues I felt confident to ask their people if it was ok to take a few bites. She did not like the story. “Well John You guys do not do all our work, we have our own person who does some of it also.” interesting I thought. Usually all the different hospital departments are a bit more Compassionate and Caring {Deaconess Model you learn on day one of orientations) And well John Also we are really not a part of Deaconess we are our own company we just rent your buildings” so,”This is not a Deaconess function.
This is not a Deaconess party”
Again using my SITUATIONAL AWARENESS skills, I looked at the happy table and the smiles and laughter was changing. So now what do I do, what do I say. This sweet lady was not enjoying the moments, or just maybe this was enjoyable because she thought that this was getting back at something I knew nothing about ? So as usual, I go by my first rule since the age of 4. Just tell the truth, it usually works. And again admit you are human and I must be wrong. So Again I reiterate, I thought this was Deaconess, , I asked permission beforeI took food from the table we are a department that helps the hospital and surrounding buildings rented by other companies, no one has told me different and, most of all, I am so sorry if I have offended you and I will definitely return your food if that will help. Her face showed, “I’m large and in charge… and no we do not want the pizza back “who do you think would eat it from another plate.(well my group down stairs will) And once again we are not Deaconess, we are just its surgical group. ( I agreed, I drive past your place many times a day in my 4×4 and have been by your office door a few times.)
So again I am so sorry that I have been up here socializing with your group, and I’m comfortable with the bar staff there because they helped us a few weeks ago with our reunion. and it seemed your people were enjoying our time together but you have my Sincere Apology that I have somehow misread everyone’s demeanor. By now my friend Ed had returned to the bottom floor to tell everyone to listen for sirens, John is in trouble. lol again. “No , that’s ok,” she said as we began walking towards the door.
Boy , did I read that party wrong. I guess I did not find the sheriff or president as I should have when I entered the room. So what do I do now?
Heading back to the other party we enjoyed the food, had a few more conversations and I realized there was a good chance I would run into Karen again someday at the hospital. But I also was wondering if there was more to this encounter then I realized. Why was she acting the way she was.while everyone else saw me differently. And what was my responsibility to right this wrong.
The next day was Sunday and going to mass I had my usual conversation with God as I shared my week with him and asked his advice on the pizza caper.
We all go to Mass for different reasons. My thinking is I have made it through another Glorious week and with my health in check , my family in check, my future bright and relevant, my promise to him still moving forward nearly effortlessly and full steam ahead.
I feel… I owe him at least one hour a week to sit, stand and kneel in his presence and trust in him.
I also get a huge kick out of seeing all the little children drive some of their parents crazy as they sing their own songs that will sometimes require a quick exodus to the cry room.
But his message today was simple, you had some of their pizza. Just take them a new pizza. And make sure they know why.
Quick easy, Thank you Lord. good answer.
So a few hours later I found myself delivering a large pizza from the same restaurant
Same type, and my sin only cost me $26. And 2 Acts of Contrition.
As I prepared my speech to her and the group. God’s sense of humor decided this was not the end of the confession.
As I walked towards the door to get into the building I was met with a locked door to the whole building. OH, they are closed on the weekends, and since I do not work weekends,( because I told my bosses it was silly for me to), I was not aware they were closed.
2 choices. , eat this myself, yum yum, or since I’m trying to reduce my girth. Take this pizza instead to the Helicopter response team on campus and thank them for all they do for the hospital. With open arms and mouths they graciously accepted the pizza and were a bit bewildered why I was doing this. This is the same group who years ago began giving me diesel fuel for free. (it would cost them to have it removed) so I could just tell them this was my thanks, Enjoy,
So now with happy pilots, I still have the same issue. What do I owe the surgical group.? And why was I still feeling like I needed to correct this terrible atrocity.
I began to ask myself, would you have ever even gone up the room if you were not drinking, if you did go up to the room, because you were drinking, if it wasn’t for the stronger drinks would have the pizza on the table have been left alone.
Regardless of the alcohol I would have definitely been there with the group, because I know I am a man who loves people and the more people I can engage with at a time the happier I am. I will leave my primary group to go and find new friends all the time. I get bored with repetition and if I know we are not going to cover any new topics I will go and find new people with new topics. I have done this all my life. Would I have asked for some pizza? Yes, when I see food I will ask, because I love to share and I also love to let others share with me because as MY mother always said. Accepting a sharer’s gift will bring eternal joy. And If they do not share, no biggy, go find someone who will. Especially if you’re hungry.
And If you have fed thousands throughout your life and expect nothing in return, it’s ok to ask of others.
But With my sincerest apologies still not working, how should I proceed?
But John, how do you know your sincere apology was not forgiven.? GREAT QUESTION..
The very next day was Monday and I had decided that I was going to also deliver another pizza to the surgical group for my misgivings. But since the store did not deliver and our cafe at the hospital did not have large pizzas. I had decided to get them on Friday since I could do it after lunch and it would be a nice way to start their weekend.
But after I had decided to do this. I was surprised with a visit from my manager who came in to tell me a story. “John, were you at Chasers this weekend…….?
Sure enough Ms. Karen called my department to tell them they needed to look out for me because I took some pizza. And I may try to steal from the hospital.
Wow, now I’m a serial thief. Of grand medical equipment. And a person of interest to survey. After telling him the story he assured me that I was not in trouble, but he wanted to confirm it with me. Ross, did she tell you how I apologized and tried to make amends.
No, she was just really mad. Is it true we maintain some of their maintenance problems correctly? Well yes we do, they have a guy who does some stuff but we tackle the big things. And she did not tell you about all the other good things we discussed, did she?
No it was all pretty negative and she does not think you are a very nice guy, even though you were polite and happy.”
So my apology fell on deaf ears. ( Please john no jokes about her ears.)
So on Friday as I told the man at the desk to let everyone know I was bringing pizza for lunch, one of the happy ladies saw me and came out to wish me a good morning and asked how I was. Yes this is the same attitude all of the people showed that night, they knew of me, and were fun to be around. So later that afternoon when I delivered 3 pizzas for nearly 30 people my sin had now cost me another 90 dollars , 3 Hail Marys, 4 Our fathers and a large helping of green peppers for the pizza. I had written a card to Karen I still have today if she was there to see me. She was not. May have been at Gateway. And months later .I have yet to run into her and wonder if she ever asked anyone where the free pizzas came from.
IS THERE A MORAL TO THIS STORY?
So why tell this story and what can we all take from this to truly understand the reason? Sincere apologies are paramount to happiness and why accepting said apology is crucial for a better tomorrow.
Every Mind is different. God made us that way, and the infinite ability to make each human a special and unique spirit is one of God’s greatest gifts he gives to each of us.
The beauty of God’s love is also the wonder he bestows on you and to know we are human and accept the fact that as an imperfect human we will always make mistakes. Either physically, emotionally, mentally, or verbally. . But now what. What are my options, who should I blame? after I sit on someone’s, car, I slap a well known host, I shoot a pope in a large crowd, I give the finger to a motorist who just scared me to death, and I lost control of my senses, or I did not ask the right person at a party to have some pizza.
Can the world become a better place, can I become a better person.? If we once again look within ourselves and tell him,God I am sorry, I can be a sinner at times, can I tell them I did not wish to harm them in any way, and can I say ‘“I’m Sorry, will you please forgive me.”.
That is why it is important to tell this story. I should not judge her, I should not hide my faults. I should accept my weaknesses and try to build back better by remembering and accepting my bad moments as well as my good, to work harder to be the image of God he wishes us to be, one silly pizza at a time.
And If by chance I someday receive the forgiveness of my faults. Then hug her or him , thank them and spend some time moving the day forward to the brilliance of the sun. And Just smile…..
The end finally,,,, lol
MY 3 QUICK DAD JOKES THAT YO CAN SHARE.
Why do you never play poker in a jungle ? TOO MANY CHEETAHS
What did the fish say when he hit the hard wall. Dam
What did he say to his friend who hit the wall right after he did. What a dumb bass.
You owe me one next time
John M Schroeder
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